Chapter III: The Dress
There was a time many years ago that I worried I may never get to walk down the aisle in a flowing, white gown. The truth is this hasn’t been my lowest low or even the worst heartbreak of my life. When I met my fiance, I thought that all the pain of the past was exactly that; a thing of the past.
It is hard being back at a point of wondering what the future holds. Now, instead of wondering if I’ll ever get to wear the dress, I wonder about bigger, harder things.
In the summer of 2016, my dad was diagnosed with a rare cancer. And while he has been in remission for over a year, I cannot help but tear up whenever I sit through the father-daughter dance at weddings. I’ve had two since my ex-fiance did what he did and, while I had no problem standing up beside my friends, being there for them and forgetting about myself for the night, I couldn’t help the tears during the dance.
I painfully, truthfully can’t say for sure if I’ll ever get that moment or if my dad will be around to see me marry the man I love. Will they know their future grandchildren? My dad, and mom for that matter, both know this to be true; the hurt that he caused has extended to so many people in so many ways.
***
The dress I had picked out meant so much to me. In typical girly fashion, it had come down to two finalists. I slept on the decision, came back with my mother and two bridesmaids the next day and tried them both back on.
As I was standing on the platform in the spotlight, a song came on in the bridal salon. “Never Stop,” by Safetysuit. Not only was this an incredibly obscure song, it was one that my fiance loved and had introduced me to, and one we had even considered for our first dance.
I remember thinking in that moment that it was a sign. I stood there in my dress, put my hands over my face and, for the first time during the wedding process, I cried.
“This is my love song to you
Let every woman know I’m yours
So you can fall asleep each night, babe
And know I’m dreaming of you more …”
I couldn’t wait to marry him.
***
Wednesday, April 25th, 2018
My dress was in and my mom and I had an appointment for my very first fitting.
It was perfect; everything I had wanted and fit like a glove. I paraded around the salon trying on different belts, headpieces and, of course, the veil. My mom and I sipped champagne and reveled in this special moment that most every mother and daughter dream of having together.
I had called off work for the afternoon so we stayed there looking at other dresses. I wanted my mom to feel just as beautiful on my wedding day. We picked out a black gown that looked absolutely stunning on her and I also found an adorable, white cocktail dress. It was very Carrie, from Sex and the City, which was ironically a show that my fiance loved. I knew it was right up his alley.
We swiped our cards and made both non-refundable purchases that afternoon.
***
After the fitting, we decided to go to Eight Bar & Patio, right below Maple & Ash. It was our new favorite spot for wedding planning dinners. Still completely engrossed in all the excitement, I texted my fiance to see if he would join my mom and I for dinner. He told me he was in Schaumburg, IL, almost an hour out of the city, for work and that instead he wanted to meet his friend at Hooters out there instead.
I laid it on thick, I’m not going to lie, I wanted him there with us.
After dropping an F bomb out of frustration, he told me he was on his way. I started to feel bad. I just wanted to spend time together during the wedding process; I knew he was coming as a chore and not because he wanted to. I remember my mom noticed my mood changed.
“I’m fine,” I said.
He showed up an hour or so later and we ate. He spoke very few words and a pressing feeling in my chest became almost too much to bear. I knew something felt wrong, but I was mute; paralyzed to say a thing. I knew I would be the overbearing bridezilla; the crazy girl. So I put on a smile and pushed forward.
I later came to find he was not at work during my wedding dress fitting; not with a “friend” at all.
He was with her; and not doing what you all might think. What he was doing was, in fact, much worse.
So much worse.