Chapter XXII: The Beginning
February 22nd, 2020
Waking up in the morning felt different; lighter. As the sun beamed down on my face through the South window facing downtown, I welcomed the new day. I recall reflecting how, before, getting up had been difficult; a chore even. The unknown of what the day could bring brought more fear back then than joy.
Now, the mornings were full of hope; hope for what could be and what the future could hold for me now.
I rolled over to my right and saw Ben still asleep next to me with Paisley curled up in between us. I smiled, feeling the grin on each side of my face and I let out a large sigh of relief.
Home, I thought.
This is home.
***
The day started off as most Saturdays did with Ben and I.
He came in the front door, my iced coffee from Philz in hand; an unspoken ritual we had while I made him his favorite breakfast sandwich on the stove top.
It was his birthday not a few days before and the guilt had set in from not being able to be with him that Tuesday due to work travel. Today, I thought to myself, would be all for him.
We laughed and teased each other over the coffee table, spending the majority of our breakfast laughing and playing our favorite game, Monopoly Deal; slapping our cards down on the wooden table with our dramatically fictitious sense of competition.
“Suck it!” I said out loud, taking one of his properties; ultimately winning the hand.
Ben laughed and threw his head back in defeat.
“So where do you want to go for dinner tonight for your birthday?” I asked while shuffling the cards in preparation for the next hand.
Ben smiled mischievously, “Oh, I already booked it,” He said. “It’s a surprise.”
I looked at him quizzically. “But this is your birthday celebration. I thought you agreed I could take you to an early dinner anywhere of your choosing and then we’d meet all our friends out at Halligan’s?”
“That’s still the plan. I just wanted to surprise you with the spot,” he replied.
Ben loved surprises. Whether it was a new date night spot, homemade dinner or flowers, he loved to treat me to the simple treasure of anticipation; often dangling that there was a surprise waiting for me. He knew that, during the past two years, I desperately needed the anticipation of something good; a noble effort to distance me from the impending feeling of doom of which I had become so accustomed.
***
To explain Ben and my relationship would be highly complex, yet oddly simple. There were no secrets, no pretending. He saw me for exactly who I was. He knew the good, the bad, the ugly and even the pathetic. Where I’d usually be embarrassed being so exposed, I felt oddly at peace. There was an irrational sense of comfort having him see my true colors; both the vibrant and the painfully subdued.
The comfort and innate trust I felt was something that I was never quite prepared for and something I will never quite know how to explain. For years, getting out of bed to face the day felt like being a wounded soldier putting on their armor for battle; reluctantly entering the the front line for yet another day fighting a war I felt that I could never win. With him, I was now an army of two. With him, I had already won.
I looked at him as we played our card game; analyzing our friendship and our love. He was one of the few that knew all my secrets. He was the one who had seen me at my worst; toppled over in bed in heaving breaths and panic attacks. He saw my rage, my anger. He saw my hate and detest for those who had caused pain to myself and others. He saw all my darkness while gently holding my hand and nodding his head in empathetic understanding. For almost two years, he quietly, loyally fought the same battle next to me.
I sat there next to him and flinched at the thought of how I would sometimes look at him with frustration; frustration in thinking he would never get it. He would never understand my pain.
But he did.
He did because he was there. For all of it.
Ben was fully immersed in the same pain and torture. The same frustration and the same merry-go-round of suffering and then joy and then suffering again. He endured it all, yet he had the option to leave. A willing participant in a haunted fun-house that he had every opportunity to exit.
But he stayed. He stayed and navigated each corridor with the false mirrors, the trap doors and suffocating rooms.
He stayed with the girl in her, now, mid 30s, with an unknown future. He stayed with the damaged and sometimes pathetic girl. He stayed because he saw what she was struggling to see, herelf. He stayed because every now and then he saw the glimpse of that same little 11 year old girl she tried, every day, to summon from the depths of her being.
He stayed because he loved me; demons, scars and all.
***
It was a brisk yet sunny day in February. I took a walk outside alone enjoying each breath of my newfound freedom as I ran a few simple errands before making my way back home.
When I got back in, I laughed at Ben yelling in the apartment; running the vacuum all over our shared unit while he caught up with our friend, Jack, who was visiting Chicago for the weekend from Milwaukee.
I got ready in the bathroom for our dinner as Ben and Jack continued chatting in the living room; popping out from time to time to add my, self-proclaimed, color commentary to each of their anecdotes.
“Alright, it’s about that time,” Jack said as he got up to take his leave for the door. “I’ll see you both later at Halligan’s for the birthday shenanigans.”
We both waved as he walked down the hallway and Ben turned afterwards to offer a gentle embrace and kiss on my head.
***
An hour later, we gathered our things to get ready to leave the apartment. I debated between outfits, knowing all-to-well the Chicago weather wouldn’t hold its warmth for very long; opting for a long sleeve, white dress with mini black polka dots.
As I started primping in the hallway mirror, Ben emerged from our bedroom in his nicest slacks and a blazer. I looked and him and smiled the same ear-to ear grin that I had felt earlier that same morning lying next to him in bed.
“ I really love you,” I said softly.
***
As we hopped into the Uber, I still had no idea where we were going; Ben making sure the driver didn’t give the secret away.
We made our way Northwest on Lincoln Avenue, eventually turning right on Southport. Ben made small talk about sports and yucked it up with our driver. I looked over at him, to my left, admiring his ability to connect with complete strangers; his charisma genuine and sincere.
As we pulled up to our destination, I chuckled and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.
For our date, his birthday dinner, he had chosen our first date spot; Tango Sur.
***
We walked quickly into the busy and cozy restaurant; a swift escape out of the plunging temperature that had surrounded us as we exited the Uber.
The restaurant’s dimly lit ambiance coupled with the scent of wine filled my lungs and warmed my heart. We had come back here many times throughout our year together; times as friends and times as a couple. Birthdays, Valentines, anniversaries; each and every memory special and meaningful. We came here for fun; escape from the darkness. Now, there was no darkness, only a future with endless possibilities. For once, I could have a dinner of celebration without the devil on my shoulder warning me of what destruction could be waiting just around the corner. Those days were over.
As we sat down at our small and crooked, wooden table, the bus boy came to light our candle and bring us water. I watched Ben as he smirked and reached into his front jacket pocket; knowing all too well he had another surprise in store.
Like a magician, he pulled out a full bottle of wine that he had been hiding; a Cabernet that he knew I would enjoy and he would reluctantly partake in for the evening.
I laughed at his meticulous placement of the large bottle in his jacket, poking fun that he only dressed in a blazer to hide his simple, yet thoughtful surprise.
***
We ordered our usual, the filet for me and the ribeye for him; my eyes widening as the waiter put the beautiful slab of meat in front of my ravenous face. As I dug in and sipped my wine, Ben looked down at his food at the other side of the table, slowly moving it around his plate.
“Is it too rare for you?” I asked quietly across the table.
“No, I’m just not super hungry today; stomach is just bothering me a bit,” he replied through a smile. Seeing the subtle concern flash across my face, he continued, “How about we play a game?”
“What kind of game?” I chucked skeptically. Ben was always inventing and creating new games for us to play together.
“Let’s go through each year of our lives that we remember, or grades even, and tell a story from that year,” Ben said.
I laughed at the absurdity of the game, knowing it wasn’t a game at all; yet I obliged. I loved hearing his stories and I know he loved listening to mine.
We made it through most of our grade school years; recounting the funny, the traumatic and even the embarrassing years of our youth, Ben joking that I had many more years under my belt than he did at his youthful 27 years of age.
As we finished up our meals and wine, I noticed Ben had barely taken a bite.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked.
“Don’t worry. My stomach is just a little upset,” he said still smiling. “It will pass.”
As I nursed the last few sips of wine, Ben excused himself to the bathroom, returning a bit later with the check paid. He pulled out my chair and we made our way to the Uber waiting curbside to head back home before meeting the rest of our friends at the bar across the street from our home.
***
Walking back into our apartment, I felt the tingles of the wine begin to set in as I jumped backwards onto our large sectional.
“So what’s next?” I asked Ben energetically. “Should we have people come here first, should we make a beer run; what sounds good to you?”
Ben sat down next to me and sighed deeply.
“Can we just relax a bit?” he said looking tired. “Maybe just play a game of Monopoly and listen to some tunes?”
“Of course,” I replied, getting back out the bright green cards in anticipation of kicking his ass.
***
As we picked up the cards for our first hand, Ben suggested another idea.
“Okay, the winner of the game gets to pick the next activity,” Ben said smiling.
“Ha! Deal,” I said with unwavering confidence.
As we made our way through the game, drawing and discarding cards, it came to an abrupt stop when he slapped down his winning card; blowing me out of the water.
“BOOM!” he said, putting both hands up over his head in an exuberant display of victory.
“Ugh,” I sighed. “Fine, what’s next then,” I asked through an air of false defeat.
Ben stood up and walked over to me and held out his hand.
“Actually, do you want to just dance with me for a bit?” he asked.
I smiled. “I do.”
***
I rested my head on his shoulder as we slowly danced in a tight circle in the living room. As he held me close, I smiled, quickly realizing the song he had chosen.
Rewrite the Stars.
It was a song I had once told him reminded me of him; of us.
As the beat picked up and the pace of the melody quickened, he pushed me out and spun me under his arm. I smiled, letting the wine high and feeling of freedom rush through my body and veins; taking in all the feelings of love and liberation that our relationship allowed me.
Taking my hand, he motioned and spun me yet again as I let go and spun a few more times on my own.
As the dizziness subsided and my laughter ceased, I turned back around to look at Ben.
There he was.
Down on one knee.
I walked over to him slowly as the song played on; dropping down to my knees, in front of him, bringing our faces back to eye level with one another.
You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide
I know you want me
So don't keep saying our hands are tied
You claim it's not in the cards
Fate is pulling you miles away
And out of reach from me
But you're here in my heart
So who can stop me if I decide
That you're my destiny?
“Lindsay,” he said choking up; holding back the tears. “I love you.”
I gasped for air, covering my mouth and letting the tears freely flow down my cheeks.
“I’ve always loved you,” he continued. “I want to grow old with you. I want to have a family with you.”
“Will you marry me?”
He opened the little red box and before I could even look, I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed my tears of surprise and joy into him.
I pushed my body back gently but firmly to look him in the eyes and smiled.
“Are you sure?” I asked sincerely while still knowing his answer.
“I’ve never been more sure,” he said.
I nodded my head yes and smiled through the tears.
“I love you so much, Ben.”
***
After the song finished, and the initial shock began to wear off, I stared at my finger and smiled as the tears came pouring out of me once more. Tears that were once the effect of destruction were now tears of pure joy.
“C’mon,” Ben said, motioning to have me put back on my jacket. “Let’s head up to the roof deck to take some pictures. I want to remember this night with you.”
I smiled and took his hand and we headed down the hallway.
***
As we got to the roof deck, we shuddered at the numbing cold wind atop our 20th floor. We walked over to the edge, my hand in his, and together faced the unobstructed view of the sprawling city of Chicago; the lights sparkling like stars amid the deep blue background of the sunset fading away in the distance.
He turned back to me, his nerves now gone and continued his proposal.
“Lindsay. I want you to hear this,” Ben began. “I want you to always remember this exact moment; right here, right now. I want you to remember that no matter what life throws at us, what disagreements we may have, what problems may arise, I want you to know that I love you. I love you and I will never hurt you. I will never cheat on you. I will never give up on you; on us. I am always going to love you and be here for you.”
For the first time in my life, I was speechless. I knew my silence was taken wholeheartedly as amazement; awe that I had found someone and something so pure, so real, so honest. My silence continued as I discovered the purpose of it all. I realized that I had gone through each and every grueling step in this journey we call ‘life,’ for the purpose of finding happiness. Happiness in my writing, happiness in my work and happiness in love. It wasn’t random, it wasn’t all for nothing. The universe had finally granted my wish.
“When I grow up, I just want to be happy.”
***
Ben took my hand on the roof and we walked back into the top floor. We waited for the elevator and walked in. As we rode all the way down, I began to ask all my questions.
“So, wait, are we still going to Halligan’s?” I asked.
“Yup!”
“Did you ask my Dad? Oh god, what did he say? Does everyone know?”
Ben chuckled, holding the elevator door as I walked out and started down the hallway to our 12th floor apartment. “Yes, they definitely know.”
As we walked inside, I turned around the corner of the long entryway hallway. As we both entered the kitchen, I looked up and again felt my hands quickly come up to cover my mouth.
“SURPRISE!” the large group yelled as my mind worked to process this new, subsequent shock. In front of us, were twenty of our closest family members; many of which had traveled from other states to be here for us in this moment. Across the once clear island, was an amazing spread of appetizers, cocktails, wine, cookies and even the stereotypical champagne flutes with Mr. and Mrs. etched neatly onto them.
After the shock passed, I looked at Ben and he wrapped his arms around me. In all my life, I had never felt so loved.
I made the rounds to each family member starting with his parents and then mine. My dad put both hands tightly around me as I began to aggressively sob into his arms. Sobs from knowing that, months earlier, I was unsure if he’d ever get the honor of walking me down the aisle.
As I composed myself, I looked over to my left and met eyes with my cousin and Matron of Honor, Kristy. She came over and we embraced for what seemed like minutes and the sobs began yet again.
And as I stood there, wrapped in the arms of a fellow woman, she whispered in my ear.
“This is what it should have always felt like.”
I cried harder, knowing and feeling how deep that truth was felt throughout the entire room. As we gently let go of each other, still holding on to the other’s arms she looked me in the eyes and smiled.
“It’s over now.”
***