Valentine’s Day: A Survival Guide
Cue the eye roll; it’s that time of year!
Happy Frickin’ Valentine’s Day!
Listen, don’t get me wrong. I’m a romantic. I love giving and receiving small tokens of appreciation. Flowers? A nice handwritten note? Sign me up! But do we really need a whole damn day dedicated to this? Shouldn’t we be doing this stuff anyway? Why does Valentine’s Day have to be some high pressure holiday for men and women. Will he or won’t he plan something? Is it too soon?
Can we just not?
So before you put a lot of pressure on yourself, your significant other or feel like a giant bag of d*cks for being single, read a few of these pointers on how to get through the holiday without crying into your box of self-bought chocolates whilst watching The Notebook for the umpteenth time…
1.) First off, have you even looked into the history of St. Valentine? While his resume is odd, yet impressive, this patron saint of lovers, epileptics and beekeepers ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ basically was imprisoned, tortured and killed. Wow, what a great representation of a relationship, asshat. In one rendition, he actually sent love letters to his jailer’s daughter, who I’m pretty sure was half his age and yet to hit puberty. Either way, dude got decapitated and ipso facto, that’s probably the most unromantic story I’ve heard since discovering my ex is paying only $200 in child support (#bigspender). And, guys, don’t even get me started on the weird, naked kid we all know as Cupid. Like c’mon…that’s just asking for a lawsuit.
2.) In all seriousness, shut down the apps for the day. All of them. I’m talking the Bumble, Grindr, Facebook, Instagram; even couples’ Venmo messages are getting weirder by the minute. I swear, if I have to see one more heart or eggplant emoji next to the $10 you paid your significant other for a mediocre sushi date that probably left you with a bad case of dysentery, I am absolutely going to lose my shit (ha-good one, Lindsay). So, if there was ever a need to take a break from social media, today is the day, folks. I mean, no offense, but unless he got you a bouquet of something bad ass like a Venus fly trap or some shit, then thanks but no thanks. And look, I’m not saying you can’t post things that make you happy. I’m sure I’ll write Ben a nice letter and receive flowers this weekend. Hell I’ll probably post a simple picture of us making a weird face with our mouths full over dinner, but I sure as shit won’t display it to the world for some twisted sense of validation from strangers. Your validation should be embedded within the relationship itself. And if you’re single, these apps are just destructive, long-ass rabbit holes on Valentine’s Day. I’m talking some trippy, Alice-and-Wonderland shit, where you start making ridiculous comparisons between your life and a friend, and then a random stranger, and then some Instagram influencer who eats a piece of lettuce every hour and has lips bigger than Staten Island. As Randy Jackson would say, “It’s gonna be a no for me, dawg.”
3.) Lastly, despite Sir Valentine’s super odd affinity with the underage and (apparently) seizures, isn’t this day supposed to symbolize love? And who says that has to be romantic love? If you’re not in a relationship, why not use this as a way to celebrate your friendships? Your family? I mean, don’t make it weird by giving them a bag of candy hearts stamped with overtly sexual messages, but throw in a nice note or ass grab hug, when applicable. Ah f*ck it, who doesn't like a good ol' family ass grab? 'Cause to be honest, your friends and family will probably stick around longer than most of the boyfriends/girlfriends that come into the picture. They're your ride or die homies, bruh. I mean, unless they suck, in which case you probably should stop reading this garbage and evaluate more in your life than just a shitty Valentine's Day. Or, if you're the lazy type, give me a ring and we can go down a few modest-sized glasses bottles of wine.
I'm available.
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