Am I a Shitty Friend?
Trying to be my friend is about as painful as passing a kidney stone. But also why? Why would you want to subject yourself to such an exhausting, time consuming task? If you are results driven - the data is clear. Sure, I’ll have a good self-deprecating joke now and then or an epic jab at someone when they are acting like a complete douche but nobody wants to say anything, but I assure you, despite what this blog may imply, I’m boring AF.
For starters, I think I’m much funnier than I actually am so you’re really not missing much unless you enjoy watching your friends make weird faces and laugh at complete silence when an obscure (and albeit absurd) day dream pops into their head; an inside joke with themselves.
Also, making new friends as an adult? Exhausting. No, thank you.
Why would you do that to yourself?
And to that point, when did everyone get so good at this small talk bullshit? I have to pretend to be a normal human all day at work, so why in the hell would I do that when I finally get to let my rapidly thinning hair down at the end of a long day? Instead, I could easily sit alone, wrapped up in my weighted blanket, throwing snotty tissues angrily at the TV at the end of Normal People, yelling, “THAT’S IT?? THAT’S HOW THIS BULLSHIT ENDS?!”
Small talk is the absolute worst.
“Oh Lindsay, so nice to meet you, what do you do for fun?”
The worst question of them all.
**sips oversized glass of wine and clears throat**
“Well, Jessica, thanks for asking. When I’m not plotting revenge against mine enemies through my blog, I like to pop a nice bottle of organic wine, sit pants-less at my computer and see how full I can get my Shopbop cart before I would have to file for bankruptcy.”
“No really, what do you like to do for fun?”
“Well as fun as this is, Jessica - I’d rather be sitting at home doing absolutely nothing.”
I have no answer because, BITCH, I DON’T LIKE TO DO THINGS.
So am I a shitty friend?
It’s a rhetorical question - I already know I suck. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with you, it’s that I don’t like having commitments because I’m kind of a lazy asshole. And sure, I’ll have moments of greatness where I come out every night with my pals for a week or throw two dinner parties in a row because the chatty Gemini twin in me just really needs to SHINE from time to time, but then what happens soon thereafter?
“You hibernate,” says my oldest childhood friend over text. “You just need a little break and then you come back.”
Fuck, its that obvious, huh?
The truth is, if you’re an anxious person, you probably understand. It’s not always about having mental breakdowns or panic attacks in public situations, its more so that our brains are on overdrive ALL THE DAMN TIME.
I pride myself on being a conversationalist; quick-witted, jovial and easy-going, but that takes up a lot of emotional effort from empaths or anxiety-prone individuals like myself. We’re hard on ourselves, overstressed and constantly overanalyze. We expect perfection in the weirdest of ways and replay conversations in our minds over and over and over; sometimes before they even happen, if they ever happen at all.
So are we shitty friends?
To the untrained eye - probably.
But if you give us a little space from time to time, we always get back to “normal” and we are always there for the people in our lives. It’s not that we’re unreliable, it’s that we are in a constant cycle of metamorphosis that we wish was more easily understood. And the more I think about it, really, we probably are not all that shitty at friendship after all.
I mean, who do you think operates best in a crisis? That’s right. It’s us - your anxious, empath buddies.
We’ve already spent countless nights thinking about doomsday scenarios and all our escape plans for such events. So when something bad happens and you don’t know where to turn? - We will be there.
With a game plan and assurances that everything will be okay, we’ll be ready. Why? Because when you were all upset that we didn’t respond to your text right away, it wasn’t because we were mad, it was because we were deep in thought planning how we would handle a global pandemic Trump Presidency raging wildfires Andy Cohen CNN New Years zombie apocalypse and needed time to fully, mentally prepare. But in that absurd stream of thoughts, we were preparing for how to take care of the people we love and care about most - you!
So am I a shitty friend?
No.
A misunderstood friend?
Most definitely.
So when your friend doesn’t text you back, or call to hang out for a few weeks, don’t stress. They’re fine.
Instead, wish them a lovely hibernation, and, for the love of God, Jessica, buckle-up for a whirlwind when they return.
***